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Marketing humor we’ve received via e-mail, fax, phone — and even in person!

Business was down in Shneider’s taylor shop in Brooklyn so he made God an offer.

I’ll make you a partner if you help me out, he prayed.

He hears a thundering voice say ”OK Shneider, include me in the name of your business and it’s a deal"

Shneider quickly changes the sign on his taylor shop to say "God & Shneider" and business takes off.

A few years and several new franchises later Shneider decides to branch out into the big city.

He opens a big store on Fifth Avenue in New York and calls it "God and Shneider." It flops, he loses everything.

“God, what did you do to me?”

That same thundering voice says "Shneider, this is the big city, you need to upgrade your image, call it Lord and Taylor"

The rest, as they say, is history.

                From: Moshe Kugel
                Owner, 3Gen Corp.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Mexico City. One has a cross in front of him. The other one the Star of David. Many people go by and
look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David. Finally the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says: "My poor fellow, don’t you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren’t going to give you money if you sit there with a ‘Star of David’ in front of you, especially when you’re sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably
give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the ‘Star of David’ listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said:

"Moishe, look who’s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing."

                                     From:  Marsha Silverman
                                     Vice President, Mullin & Associates

The Top 10 Signs You Work In Marketing

    10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways
    to improve their look-to-buy ratio.

    9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear
    casual clothes to work.

    8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as "deliverables."

    7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

    6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most
    expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

    5. You wear gray to work instead of navy blue to make a
    bold fashion statement.

    4. You know the people at the airport and hotel better
    than your next door neighbors.

    3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making Friday
    night plans.

    2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put
    his ideas into a matrix.

    1. You think a "half-day" means leaving work at 5 o’clock.

                                         From:  Josh Billig
                                         Director of Research, Chiat Day

A marketing consultant employed by KFC gained an audience with the Pope, and offered him a million dollars if he would change ‘The Lord’s Prayer’ from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused the offer.

Two weeks later, the consultant offered the Pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the generous offer.

Another week later, the consultant offered the Pope 20 million dollars, and finally the Pope accepted.

The following day, the Pope briefed his staff.

"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!”

                                     From:  Ray Williams
                                     Chairman, AIG Life Companies

People have asked me for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the following analogies will help clear it up:

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I’m fantastic in bed." — That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She’s fantastic in bed." —That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I’m fantastic in bed." — That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I’m fantastic in bed." — That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you’re fantastic in bed." — That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. — That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you. — That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I’m fantastic in bed!" — That’s Spam.

                                            From: Rose Sacks
                                           Vice President, Sacks Enterprises


A man was out driving, when he came across a flock of sheep. He got out of his car, and walked over to the shepherd tending the sheep. He asked,

"Are you a betting man?"

"Why do you ask?", said the shepherd.

"I’ll bet you $20, to one of your sheep, that I can guess the size of your flock.", he said.

"You’re on", said the shepherd, "How many sheep have I got?"

"367", came the answer.

"That’s amazing," exclaimed the shepherd, "You’re absolutely right! go and pick yourself a sheep."

Having claimed his prize, the man was walking away, when the shepherd called out to him.

"How about another bet- double or nothing.", he challenged.

"What’s the bet?", said the man.

"I’ll bet you that I can tell your occupation, and who you work for."

"That’s a bet." said the man. "What do I do?"

"You’re a marketing consultant, and you work for the government.", said the shepherd.

"That’s amazing," said the man. "How did you figure that out?"

The shepherd smiled. "Put down my dog, and I’ll tell you."

                                           From: Jim Wright
                                           Marketing Director, M. E. Sharpe, Inc.

Look at this hysterical television commercial from Denmark Click here!

                                           From: Ira Gottlieb
                                           President & CEO, Creative Health Concepts

Q. How many copywriters does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "NOBODY changes ANYTHING!!"

Q. How many art directors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. "Does it have to be a light bulb?"

                                           From: Sue Montgomery
                                           Freelance Creative Consultant

Who’d believe chewing gum could be so dangerous?! Click here!

                                     From:  Larry Levit, Ph.D.
                                     Chief Scientist, ION Systems

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