I�ve Seen the Future
celery stalk on my head, and visualize where and when I want to go�and there I am!
I�ve spent some time exploring the past, of course. In fact, I helped Thomas Edison screw-in the very first light bulb!
I also attended the signing of the Declaration of Independence at which time I lent John Hancock my �good� pen. He kept it, the cheap bastard.
But of greatest interest to me has been what I�ve seen in the future. And let me tell you, there are events pending you�d never believe.
For example, in 2028, America elects its first female president. Feminists rejoice until President Beyonc� declares Valentine�s Day a national holiday and repeals taxes on all flowers and chocolates purchased during the first two weeks of February. Thousands of men walk on Washington in protest demanding equality in the form of a �men�s holiday.� They protest for tax breaks on power tools, wide screen TVs, and tickets to sporting events purchased prior to the holiday.
In 2036, this nation becomes the United States of Mexico. Spanish becomes our official language. In fact, speaking English in public schools and government buildings is prohibited by law.
By 2048, jobs pour in to the United States of Mexico, the result of skyrocketing wages in Asia. Ironically, there�s a sparsity of candidates to fill all those jobs, since most of our workforce moved to the Far East years prior.
Science and technology take some interesting turns, too.
At mid-century, it is assumed the dumb kids in schools will all grow up to be doctors. The medical and pharmaceutical sciences advance so far that a single cure is discovered for every disease, complaint, and ailment: Altoids. Everyone knew how these curiously strong mints eliminated sour breath, but double blind clinical studies proved them strong enough to cure the common cold, put all cancers in remission�and even stop hiccups (do not exceed dosage indicated on package).
Surgeons are still gainfully employed, though, implanting tiny chips in every citizen�s ears, brain, and feet driving mobile phones, annual physical exams, and GPS devices into obsolescence.
In 2062, a 6-year-old prodigy invents a single device that replaces the wax crayon, the desktop PC, the refrigerator, monkey wrench, CAT scan, and soupspoon. Whenever she�s queried about her revolutionary invention the inventor bursts into tears and is calmed only by a generous serving of Ben & Haagen�s ice cream (Ben & Jerry�s and Haagen Das merge in 2053).
The year 2071 marks the year all public schools are closed, the result of the FDA�s approval of the new pill �Educatia�. The pill endows the user with the accumulated knowledge of all humankind throughout history. The drug�s major side effects are temporary nausea, sleeplessness and an absolute disgust with French people.
Immediately following the 2076 inauguration, the 7th President Bush (the great, great granddaughter of George Herbert Walker Bush), invites me to La Casa Blanca for dinner and a chat. Without my asking, she espoused her first term�s goals:
1) to de-privatize Social Security,
I was stunned. �I understood the privatized Social Security system was working,� I told her.
�It is,� she replied. �But the government needs the money. We�ve got salaries to pay and wars to fight, you know.�
The President�s reply confused me, but I let it pass.
I was buzzing with anticipation when I accepted my invitation to the Beijing World Fashion Show and Exposition in 2091. I wonder what �they�ll� be showing this year. I imagine being awed by the sleek, skin-tight, form-fitting fashions we�ve all come to expect thanks to the creators of Star Trek, Star Wars and Star Search. I�m seated in the front row next to the omnipotent editor of Vogue magazine, Anna Wintour, an amazing woman of nearly 300 years old. Her cosmetic surgeon is an artist. A very wealthy artist, no doubt.
But being so mesmerized by Ms. Wintour�s appearance, the skin on her face pulled back so tight! She is unable to show any facial expression whatsoever, I miss the show.
That�s not a problem, the way I figure it, I can go back to 2091 anytime I want.
Let�s leap ahead almost 1,000 years, and see what�s happening in 2999. The world is troubled. Very, very troubled. It�s the Y3K problem. There�s worldwide speculation about what�s going to happen to civilization with misprogrammed microchips operating spaceships, toasters, and monitoring what�s going on inside everyone�s head. The outcome of the crisis, as determined in the year 3000, remains a mystery. I became so freaked out over the uncertainty I quickly traveled back to the present.
I�ve learned from my time traveling, history does repeat itself, indeed.
Tell me if you�ve seen the future. Give me a call. There�s
Mark S. Levit